Three Huts North of Rovaniemi

I sat in the yeti with my legs crossed polishing off the rye pancakes and wishing for more. More pancakes. More heat. More bathrooms. More words.

We had been in the rental car since back in Rovaniemi, where all forms of public transportation, and most signs of civilization ended. My family couldn't understand why I had wanted to continue on north and I had no solid reason. I just knew there had to be something good farther ahead. I was beginning to feel down because I did not want to disappoint them. My sister drove and I read out loud to the boys as we all acted as elk spotters when the pesky creatures came trotting out of the forests in groups to cross the road ahead of us.

The others had left me behind to find facilities as I sat and ate the delicious crepe type pancakes made with cloudberrys and cream and squirmed on my seat while I took in my surroundings. It was an unheated gift shop /cafe of sorts on the side of the road north of no where and I studied the leather drums and reindeer boots and carved wooden cups as I chewed. At one point I took my plate off the birch table and placed it in my lap for warmth. The proprietor, who spoke no English, sat stroking his Husky and trying not to be too obvious that he was studying me. He reminded me of one the the troll dolls that lined the shelves and made me uneasy. I can only imagine what I looked like to him, underdressed, shivering and unable to sit still as I wolfed down my food. I turned my eyes from the baskets hanging on a stand to the leather sheaved reindeer knives and farther up to the gigantic wooden mushroom on the top of the display. "That's some wild mushrooms they have here", I said to myself. "Long. Must be some kind of enoki." Then I realized with a blush that I was staring at an enormous birch penis.

And then I looked back to the troll who was openly staring at me and stroking his dog hard.

I ran out of there still chewing never wiping the cream from the corners of my mouth in search of my family who had gone on ahead to the next shack in the grouping of three that made up this stop.

The next one was run by a lovely young girl who sold no wooden phalis in her hut. I had seen penis magnets, and charms and bookends, and everything else you could possibly make using that shape openly displayed across Finland. At the Santa Claus village on the north pole my youngest son picked up a beautiful bottle opener only to find the decorative end to be yet another dick. I bought the first hand made wool cardigan I found in the second hut. I would of stayed and talked to her had my bladder not been on the verge of embarrassing me. "Have the reindeer been a problem for you on the road?", she tenitivly asked me in broken English as I made her only purchase for the day, maybe the week. "No, I answered, "Only a million caribou." And she smiled and pointed me to the last building when I asked to use the restroom.

Back in the car on the road again after using the outhouse, when my belly was full and I was warm I turned to my sister and said, "That was some wood that guy had back there, wasn't it?"
She rolled her eyes and looked in the rearview at the kids sitting in the back seat eagerly waiting for me to continue reading Lemony Snickett. "Just keep your eyes peeled for deer will ya?"

I learned three things that day in those huts. Dicks shaped like fungus can be considered sacred or lucky like a four leaf cover or a cross. Nordic reindeer can be as big as caribou. "Most people opinions aren't worth a pinch of(outhouse) shit."

It was one of the high points of the trip, looking back.

*one of my Finnish fathers quotes